So as i was looking around the room at these toddlers (?) i was beginning to wonder at what point is the point when we screw up irreversably. "We" meaning the adults, the caregivers, the theoretical parents. At what point do we mess them up so badly that they will spend a lifetime "dysregulated" (*this is the newest medical jargon) and therefore pretty much jumping from institution to institution? Most of the kids i work with had marks against them before they even popped out. Many were born from a parent that was using drugs at the time of conception and/or birth. Some were products of rape, and some have no idea who their bio father is/was. Sometimes even the mother doesn't know. Not even "his name's joe and he's from new jersey." Literally they won't ever know. Before they even found the start line they were fucked.
So exactly what age was it when they figured out that they were disposable; that they must only trust themselves to meet their own needs? And when exactly is it that you can do irrepairable damage to a human? Is it when the parent decides to loan out the baby for sex/drugs? Is it when they push it down stairs, try to drown it in the bathtub, use it as a frequent ashtray for fun? It is when they start molesting it themselves or lock it in a room and leave it alone for a few days to sit in its soiled clothes? What about when they chain it to a bed or lock it in a cage? Pour boiling water on it or use the iron when they are too lazy to beat the kid? Is it when they use it as a human shield from law enforcement officers? Or is it when they abandon it all together?
It's quite strange that we don't remember anything before the age of 5, approximately. Wouldn't it be odd if you could remember your birth? What would be the first thing we would've seen?
I have a lot on my mind today, mostly regarding the concept of chance and luck. Do i want to believe that i have someone to thank for this? What did i do to deserve having all of my needs met at the beginning? And what did they do to not? Yes, basically the injustice of the universe and other baffling questions. As i ate my chocolate cupcake, surrounded by old friends, the only thing i could come up with was gratitude.